were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
