There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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