Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
