I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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