Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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