My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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