i permit you to call me
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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