I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize