I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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