I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I need to calm my uterus...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
