Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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