I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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