He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
