Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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