i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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