the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
