Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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