smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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