I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
i out mim tonsoeep
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
