Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
