You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I will be naked everywhere
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
