whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
