we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
