I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm experimenting with sincerity
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize