I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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