Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
