I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
