I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
That accounts for only three of the penises
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
