i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Sex in the backyard? Check.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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