we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
