Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
