Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
