I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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