i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The ass gains better be worth it
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
