There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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