She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
