I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
