My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
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