He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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