Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
