Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
