I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
