I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
