Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
