you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
