yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
