this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
