On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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