apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
