My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
