He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
