I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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