Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
