Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
