Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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