I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
