I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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