is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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