Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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