He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize