Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
