Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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