So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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