Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
