so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
