I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
