I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
