Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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