This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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